Some of Life's Reflections

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected

I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac

You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every second one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too