Joke and smile

Brain Store

A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study.
He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offered
at this particular brain store.
He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.
How much does it cost for engineer brain?
Three dollars an ounce.
How much does it cost for programmer brain?
Four dollars an ounce.”
How much for lawyer brain?
$1,000 an ounce.
Why is lawyer brain so much more?
Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?

seconds to live

Man walks into the Doctors office.
I have the results of your test and I’m afraid your going to die Says the Doctor.
The Man asks, How long do I have to live?
Ten, replies the Doctor.
What the hell does that mean, the Man asks. Ten Years,
Ten Months, Ten weeks, What?
The Doctor Replies Nine.

Bush’s Tragedy

One day, President Bush visited an elementary school.
All the kids were so excited to get to meet the President.
He began to talk to them and asked them to define the word tragedy.
Well, one girl replied, If my mommy ran over my dog, Rover, that would be a tragedy
The President smiled at the little girl and said, “No, sweetie. That would be an accident
Can anyone give it a try
A little boy sitting across the room raised his hand and said
I know! I know! If our bus driver ran off of a cliff and killed everyone
The President shook his head and said
“No son. That would be a great loss!
Doesn’t anyone know of a good example of a tragedy
A small girl raised her hand and said
Well, Mr. President
if you and Laura were in Air Force One and it was hit by a missile and blown to smithereens,
most people would think that that was a tragedy
Very good, he said.
And what was your reason for that answer
Well, she said
It would not be an accident and it sure would not be a great loss

BLONDE JOKES:

Two blondes were going to Disneyland .
They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign
that said Disneyland LEFT.
They started crying and turned around and went home.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking,
and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away...
Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says
'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station.
She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smooth
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding
and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license
and then today you expect me to show it to you!'

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

There's this blonde out for a walk.
She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank
'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back,
'You ARE on the other side.'

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office
and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed,
then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more.
She pushed her knee and screamed;
likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.
Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that
the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights
and siren, the trooper cranked down his window,
turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'
The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'
The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!'
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'

I++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night...
It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.
Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?'
She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend,
who had acquired two new dogs,
and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex
and one was named Timex. Her friend said,
'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!

My Time's UP?

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a 20 near death experience.

Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift,
liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.
She even ...had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth!

Since she had so much more time to live,
she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.

While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded,
"I thought you said I had another 43 years.
Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied:

"I didn't recognize you!"

A brunette is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day,
and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you,
you'll have lost at least five pounds."
When the brunette returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"
The brunette nods. "I'll tell you, though,
I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.
"No, from all that skipping."

Husband's temper...

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper

The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband
seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband
is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your
mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the
room or goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn

The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband
started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he
calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"

The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth
shut that does the trick...."

Can I Hear an AMEN for that

AMEN



Three womens went out drinking
and decided to have a contest of who could get the drunkest.
The next day the women all got together.
The first woman said :I drove my car into a ditch.
The second woman said :I blew chunks
The third woman said: I burned down my house.
After they all had told their stories,
The third woman said: I guess I won.
And the second woman said :
“You don't understand, Chunks is my dog."

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.

They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.

As soon as the plane landed they headed
for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach
dressed in their 'tourist' garb.

They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and
the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' topless blonde came walking straight towards them .............They couldn't help but stare.

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said:
'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,'
nodding and addressing each of them individually,
then she passed on by.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?

So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits..

Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous topless blonde came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them and said,
'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.'

'Yes, Father?'

'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests, dressed as we are?'

She replied,
'Father, it's me, Sister Kathle[center]

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess;
the route they were flying had a stay-over in another city.
Upon their arrival the captain showed the stewardess
the best place for airline personnel to eat,
shop and stay overnight.
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day’s route,
he noticed the new stewardess was missing.
He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up,
wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, crying,
and said she couldn’t get out of her room.
”You can’t get out of your room?
” the captain asked,
“Why not?”The stewardess replied:
“There are only three doors in here,” she sobbed,
“one is the bathroom, one is the closet,
and one has a sign on it that says ‘Do Not Disturb’!”

A lovely young Jewish girl was employed by a clothing firm in New York.
She and her widowed mother shared the same ambition: marriage to a wealthy man.
One day she returned from work, eyes red from crying.
As soon as she entered the apartment she called, “MAMA,
I’m pregnant! Don’t get excited. The father is my boss.
” She began to sob uncontrolled ably-while her mother tried to console her.
The next morning, the mother charged into the office of the boss. “YOU,” she shouted,
“What’s going to be?
”The elegantly attired man, handsome and unmarried and in his mid thirties,
held up his hand: “Please take a seat, Mrs.
Horowitz. I’m making all the arrangements.
Your daughter will have the best doctor money can buy before the baby is born.
She’ll be in the best hospital. And afterward,
I am arranging for a trust fund for her where she will receive
a check for twenty five hundred dollars a week.”
The mother was taken aback and thought for a moment.”Tell me,” she said,
“God forbid, she should have a miscarriage,
will you give her another chance?”

There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny
.
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.
On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."
Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."
Have you really?" asked the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"
Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun You can really spread out there."
Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"
Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I hoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.
Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"
Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too.
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"
It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."
Tripod?"
Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."
Mrs. Smith fainted!!

The Pope took a philosophy professor...

The Pope took a philosophy professor (an atheist at that) out fishing on a large lake. As they drifted on the still lake, the philosopher accidentally dropped an oar and watched it float away. The pontiff stepped out of the boat, walked across the water to the oar, grabbed it and walked back to the boat. The next day at the university, a colleague asked the philosopher if he had enjoyed fishing with the Pope?
"It was okay, but would you believe that guy can't swim?"

[The Pope And Clinton

After a meeting with the Pope, Bill Clinton held a press conferenceand announced that they had very successful conference and hadagreed on about 60% of what they discussed. When asked what they discussed, Clinton replied:
"The Tencommandments."

An Arab diplomat visiting the US for the first time...

An Arab diplomat visiting the US for the first time wasbeing wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir was unused to the salt in American foods (french fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies etc.) and was constantly sending his man servant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with aglass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty-handed." Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the Grand Emir." A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul,
"white man sit on well."

The Ten Commandments
God went to the Arabs and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better."
The Arabs asked, "What are Commandments?"
And the Lord said, "They are rules for living ."
Can you give us an example?"
"Thou shall not kill."
"Not kill? We're not interested."

God went to the Blacks and said, "I have Commandments."
The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Honor thy Father and Mother."
"Father? We don't know who our fathers are. We're not interested."

Then He went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments."
The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said "Thou shall not steal"
"Not steal? We're not interested."

Then He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments."
The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shall not commit adultery! y."
"Not commit adultery? We're not interested."

Finally, He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments."
"Commandments?" They said, "How much are they?"
"They're free."
"We'll take 10